My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
