I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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