I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize