we have pet lesbian snakes
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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