If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
