I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i wish my penis had a tongue
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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