Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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