How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
