I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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