I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
