when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
