Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We are two peas in an std pod
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
