Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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