i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
