I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
