Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
