getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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