Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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