May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
