you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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