remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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