just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Is Oprah even human
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
