just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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