Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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