cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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