Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
