I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
