I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize