He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
