so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
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