I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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