are you still at the devil's house?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
