I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
