Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
