I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
