I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize