I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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