P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
