you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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