My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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