This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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