I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
