Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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