Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
