things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
