I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
