Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize