so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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