there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
