i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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