i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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