I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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