im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
