so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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