Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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