it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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