apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
