there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize